The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don’t know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened.

Sometimes, when I sleep now, I don’t believe that I dream at all. It’s like my body is so drained that everything just goes black. I used to have really vivid dreams, especially when I dreamt about Jack. I would see him at all stages of life, doing many things, things I know now in retrospect, he will never do. And I wonder if these vivid dreams were meant to give me a glimpse at what we would never actually get to experience. Our son, all grown up.

Now, when I do dream, it is like I don’t know what to dream about. My emotional and rational minds are having an epic battle with each other. One struggling to move on with life, to return to normalcy, while the other just clings desperately to what should have or could have been. Many times I have nightmares that my baby is alive and that I left him and he cannot find me. I can feel his sadness.

So what does one do, when everything you used to dream about, is wrong? What do you do when you have lost your dreams?

I know people will say, “oh you will find other things to live for” or “you will dream about your next baby” etc. But what if those things frighten you? What if you are so afraid of loosing your next child, you are terrified to even imagine the next? That is how it is for me right now.

I am emerging back into life as a completely changed individual. Someone who, can live the life of freedom before children, but who at the same time, has the strong parental need to nurture. Honestly, I would rather give up my freedom to leave whenever I want to, or go to the movies, if Jack could be with me. I would give up my life, for his. And I know I can’t do that now, but I still feel like I would.

I know that Dustin feels the same way I do. Like we don’t have a purpose, we don’t know what to do with ourselves. I guess this is normal when you are grieving….

I just wish so much that things turned out differently. Some days are just so much harder than others. Much, much, harder.

~E

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