“There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go”.  ~Author Unknown

The past few weeks have been both sad and happy for us. The new kitten has been a pleasant distraction from our hurt and has made the house a fun place to be again. However, the passing of Dustin’s grandfather brought new sadness to our hearts. And it reminded us both of just how recent everything still is and that as much as we try to ignore it, we are still grieving and now even more so. 

I have heard from many people that they think that we are strong, which is very kind of people to say, but it is not exactly true. When I write, I can be strong through my words because I don’t have to say them out loud to anyone. It’s easy. I know that Dustin always appears strong too. Probably because he doesn’t speak a whole lot about his feelings to people. While he is very strong, he still hurts and has his moments. I suppose I am saying all of this because I want folks to know that it takes a lot out of us to look and act strong, especially when we feel weak. (Sometimes, I just go home from work and sleep because I don’t have the energy left in me to be strong anymore).

Anyways, moments of weakness come when you least expect them to. When I was at the street fair in Trenton, I walked past a stall that sold kids room decorations with names in wood. I saw one that said “Jacks Room” and it took all of my strength not to cry. It hurt so much that when I got home that night, I did cry. Because I was reminded of what I had looked forward to. Getting to make a place for Jack, a place all his own.

Other moments are more day-to-day, like when I see pregnant women who appear to be about how far along I would be. Or when I see a little boy with his father, I think about Dustin and Jack. I will never see them hand in hand together. And it hurts.

I put away all of my maternity clothes and it felt like I was locking away a part of my heart. A part that used to be so happy, but now feels like a huge open hole.

And I keep thinking, we have to move on, we have to keep going. But the more that I try, the more I am brought back to Jack. It’s like being on a treadmill, running as fast as you can and not going anywhere. The stuff that you used to care about, that you thought would mean something to you again, still doesn’t matter. It is just blah. When I talk to Dustin, and we talk about everything that has happened, Jack and Grandpa John, we realize the difference in types of grief. And I think that loosing Jack helped Dustin in some ways to deal with loosing his grandpa. Which is good. But we’d still rather not have to lose anyone else for a good long time. I digress…..

There are more “moments” ahead. We have a lot of weddings in our family this summer.  A time of great joy and happiness for so many. I keep thinking about how I am going to deal with myself at these events. (Especially since I am in two out of the three weddings). I want to be truly in the moment of happiness, but everything for us is still tinged or I guess “bent” with sadness. And I hate that, because I don’t want to feel that way, but I do. The energy it takes to maintain “normal” on a daily basis is one thing, but for events like this, I am a little afraid I won’t have it in me. This is something I plan to ask about at our next support group meeting. How do you get through large family events? (I think it is a fair question).

I’m not exactly sure why I decided to write all of this just now, but I suppose it is an effort to show my flaws. I am not strong, I am broken, in many ways. We are both trying to put ourselves back together again.

 

~EH

 

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