And you would accept the seasons of your heart just as you have always accepted that seasons pass over your fields and you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

-Kahlil Gibran

Today, after a lot of thought, I put Jack into his urn by myself. I was nervous, because I did not know what to expect, but it felt right. I think mainly because so much of everything that has happened has been completely out of our control, and it seemed like I could at least be the one to do this for him.  Even though yes, I technically gave birth to him, I really didn’t do the work, the doctors did it for me through my cesarean. I didn’t even get to push my own baby out. And then, with the whole ordeal of getting him cremated….. doing this for him made sense.

It was not as scary as I thought it would be, but it was very, very, sad (sad doesn’t even seem like a good enough word, it was awful). I was surprised to find that someone at the crematorium put a coin in with his ashes. I’m not sure what the coin says (I didn’t feel compelled to take it out) but I took it as a kind gesture and let it be.

Then in his little urn I gave him my class ring. I told him that since I met his daddy in high school and it was because of that he came to be our son, that he should have it for always. Dustin said he is going to do the same. Our baby deserves a piece of us for him to keep. Even though he will always have my heart.

I hope beyond hope that no one reading this ever has to do this for their child. I cannot express with words the emotions I feel. It is a strong sense of wrongness, of “that this should not be the way it really is”. At the same time however, I know that Jack is in his forever home and he is finally, really at peace. This is comforting, and I am trying to keep that close to me in my sorrow.

~E.H.

 

P.S. If you are reading this and you have lost a baby, I am so deeply, deeply, sorry. Please know that whether your baby was born still, or you had a miscarriage or experienced neonatal death like we did, you are in my thoughts. Feel free to contact me if you like, and if you live in the metro-Detroit area, I can give you information on our support group, Metro-Detroit SHARE.

 

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