Love will Endure

If I can let you go as trees let go
Their leaves, so casually, one by one;
If I can come to know what they do know,
That fall is the release, the consummation…
If I can take the dark with open eyes
And call it seasonal, not harsh or strange
(For love itself may need a time of sleep),
And, treelike, stand unmoved before the change,
Lose what I lose to keep what I can keep,
The strong root still alive under the snow,
Love will endure – if I can let you go.

I found this poem on another mother’s blog (I’ve been borrowing from others lately) and I found it very beautiful. It spoke to me in a way that poems used to reach me, when I was young and liked reading love poetry in particular. I realize this poem speaks to me because it strikes one of my fears. I am afraid that I will never be able to let Jack go and to be quite honest, I don’t want to let him go.

A case in point, I have renamed my blog. I chose “Searching for Jack” because that is what I feel like I am doing much of the time. I’m trying to find the baby boy we lost. I look for him in memorial items, like his webpage. I look for him in other babies. I look for him in my family members. But most of all, I look for him within myself…

Sometimes, I think I find him. I can remember the little things he did when he was in his incubator or when he was inside of me. For brief fleeting moments I am happy again, I am me again. But then I remember, I remember the doctor knocking on my hospital room door. I remember him sitting down and I remember his words. His awful, awful, words.

I travel down dark roads these days. Dark places within myself that I thought I had come to close away. Little did I know that these places still exist, waiting for me. And I embrace these places because I know to embrace them is to remember the little that I can of our baby. Our only baby. Our son.

If I am not the way I used to be, please accept this advanced apology because I am no longer that person I was 5 months ago. I am fundamentally different, a difference I am still dealing with and if you cannot handle that, I totally get it. Do what you need to do, block me, un-friend me or whatever. I know that not everyone will understand. And that is ok. I hope that people never ever have to go through this to truly understand.

But if you plan to tag along with me, as I search for Jack in my own way, then please know a few things. It helps me a great deal to talk about Jack. No one asks me about him except for my parents, and a few select friends. Ask me what he was like. Ask me what he sounded like. Ask me if I miss him. All I want is for people to acknowledge the love of my life. How would you feel if no one ever asked you about your child?

This is enough for tonight. I am tired.