The past three months have been a painful journey, leading up to what promises to be, a painful day on August 31st. The due date holds particular sadness for us. And although I shouldn’t be thinking about it right now, I am already scared for Jack’s first birthday, which just happens to fall on Mother’s Day next year. These significant dates represent what we lost, memories that we will never to get to make with Jack. No rush to the delivery room, no first Halloween, no visit from Santa….

But, in a concerted effort to remain positive and to try to push through the pain of the next year, Dustin and I are becoming involved in many different things. For one, our support group is hosting a walk on October 3rd. October as you might have noticed, is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. The walk is the Share Walk for Remembrance and Hope and it is to honor all babies who have gone too soon. You are welcome to join us at Heritage Park that day at noon. We will be walking for Jack and for my older sister Emily, whom I was named after.

Also, we are making memory boxes to donate to local area hospitals to be given to parents who have lost a baby. These boxes will provide keepsakes like a hat, teddy bear and blanket, so that these parents do not have to leave the hospital completely empty handed. There is nothing worse than sitting in a wheel chair watching other women go by you with their babies as they go home, when you have nothing to hold. (The stuffed rabbit that I got from the hospital that sat in the crib with Jack during his service is the most precious stuffed animal I have ever owned). We are also going to include a disposable camera because sometimes things happen so fast, there isn’t time to grab your own. We are doing this as a part of the August 19th Day of Hope in which parents who have lost babies are encouraged to reach out to others.

Meanwhile, I have made some pregnancy loss awareness magnetic ribbons with blue and pink flowers. Those have turned out good so far. Dustin and I are also planning something special for Jack’s due date, but I will wait to share that with you.

This fall Dustin and I are both returning to school. Dustin got accepted in Lawrence Tech to study architecture and I am continuing my Masters program and U of M Dearborn with the exception that I have added a non-profit leadership certificate and I have changed my focus away from the  environmental field (not completely I still have a few enviro classes). My priorities have changed and I would like to be able to work at different kinds of non-profits in my career, not just one type. This semester I have financial administration for non-profits and watershed analysis. Wish me luck.

We are also going to go see a special high risk doctor (Dr. Mason) to ask him what we should do the next time we decide to try to get pregnant. That way, if it happens we know what to do and what to expect. There is a lot of fear and apprehension that comes along with the idea of having another baby right now, and I am hoping he can ease our minds.

Last but not least, I am writing a book documenting our life with Jack and what it is like to live with MTHFR. I am hoping it will help other grieving parents who suffer the loss of a child. I think his story is important (I know I’m biased being his mom and all) and that people should be aware of MTHFR so they can be tested. It is gonna take a long time to write, as I am 2 chapters in and I am reaching the point where I have to discuss Jack dying. I haven’t been able to write about  it, I keep shutting off the computer when I get to that point. So don’t look for it on the shelves for a while.

Wow this turned out to be a long entry. Sorry about that, but thanks for reading and for caring about Dustin, Jack and I. We appreciate it.