Dear Jack,

I felt like writing to you tonight. I miss you. Your daddy misses you. I wish I could do something to bring you back. I have dreams about you all of the time. Sometimes, you are all grown up and you’re a man in the world doing great things. Other times, I dream about teaching you to walk, talk, and even go potty! (I had so many cool ideas to make potty training fun for you!)

The night-time is the hardest without you. It is during the quiet moments that my guilt creeps up on me. I hear myself thinking “why? why couldn’t I have held on just a little while longer?” “why did I have to throw up the pre natal vitamins all the time?” ” why didn’t I just take it easy?”. I know it doesn’t bring you back to think this way, so I try to stop. I try to remind myself that it is no one’s fault. We just didn’t know about the MTHFR. I am so sorry darlin, I wish I had known. I really really do.

I hope that wherever you are, you are at peace. That you know how much we love you and cry for you every day. Even your big strong  daddy cries for you, he misses you so much.

If you can be with us in spirit through the next week, we would really appreciate it my dear. Your due date is coming up for us and it is going to be hard for us because we know things aren’t the way they should have been. We should be freaking out and rushing off to the hospital to have you. We should be happy. I guess I could fill the ocean with all the “shoulds”.

I have so many things planned to honor you little one. So many things. Sometimes I cannot contain myself. I wrote your name in some wet cement a little while back. 🙂

Daddy and I are talking about whether or not we should bring you a little brother or sister. We are so scared. Very very scared. Loosing you has been the hardest event we have ever lived through. Our hearts are still very broken and we are just not sure when we will ever feel right again. I know though that you would have liked someone to pick on or play jokes on, just like your daddy does to his brother’s. We’re gonna wait and see how things go.

I’m gonna write you again real soon. But until then, we love you and miss you Jack Jack.

Love,

Mommy

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