“The smile that flickers on a baby’s lips when he sleeps-does anybody know where that was borne? Yes, there is a rumor that a young pale beam of a crescent moon touched the edge of a vanishing autumn cloud, and there the smile was first borne.. “

– Rabindranath Tagore

 

I am one of the many who believe that the new year should really begin in September, not January. Everything about the end of the summer sings with the fruit of conclusion. The harvest of all of our hard summer work and the response of the earth as is slowly goes to sleep. Then there are the human routines that fall within this time. Going back to school, going back to work, all of that creates a sense of “new” .

For those of us who are grieving however, I think that the autumn can be many different things. My interpretation of what this time of year means to me, could be complete the opposite of someone elses. I think it all depends on where you are with your grief and the loss that you have suffered.

For me, I have been sadder lately than I feel like I really let on. It has really hit me hard this month that my baby boy should be at home right now. His bedroom should be decorated, and he should be sleeping in his crib. And as the leaves slowly change color, I feel that dream of my son, sleeping in my arms, slipping further and further away. I feel very connected to the farmer who spent so much time on sowing his seed, only to have the fruit wither on the vine. There is no joyous harvest celebration. Only an empty bedroom.

My husband and I both try to keep going on a regular basis, but, we find ourselves breaking down more. We cry more like the way we cried when we first came home. I find myself standing at Jack’s urn just looking at it, trying to remember how it felt to hold him. Trying to remember the sound he made when I sang to him. Trying to recapture what we’ve lost.

So as the season progresses, and we reach another holiday (Halloween) I know that this grief will carry us on its continued up and down motion. We both were looking forward to dressing Jack like a pumpkin this year, and it breaks our hearts when we go to stores and see all of the little costumes. And when we think about Christmas, and how exciting last year was when we found out we were pregnant, well….. that’s another blog entry all in itself.

I hope that the autumn means more pleasant and happy things to other people right now. It used to be one of my favorite seasons.

~EH 

 

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