We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come”.
– Joseph Campbell

 

Have you ever been laying in bed at night, in the quiet stillness of the dark, thinking to yourself over and over again “this is not my life, this is not my life…..” ?

I have. I have for many nights. Especially every month when the 9th becomes the 10th, because it was on that night almost 5 months ago now, my life changed forever. What do you do with that feeling? The feeling that you are living in someone elses skin, and that this person you are, cannot possibly be you?

For me at first, I rebelled against the it. I tried my best to ignore it. I kept thinking I would just find a new “normal” and life would go on. Little did I know how much I was kidding myself. Especially early on in my grief when the shock was especially bad. You are never “normal” in the sense of how you were before you lost your baby. You are a much changed individual, and when you accept the changed person you have become, the feeling of normal slowly begins to return.

It wasn’t until I began working on Jack’s Day, that the voice saying “this is not my life” turned into a voice saying “this is my life, this is who I am now”. I am a mother, I am a wife, I am a daughter and I am a good person. I may not be perfect, but I try my best. I don’t know why we lost Jack, or what we did to deserve him dying. Everyday, I blame myself and my body for failing him. I feel guilty and the guilt weighs on me, it weighs on my heart. But I know that through Jack’s Day at least I am helping other families, and that helps me feel a little better. Although nothing takes the guilt away.

While I am trying to deal with all of these emotions, during what is an exceptionally busy time at work, I find myself constantly just wanting to start over. I just want to sell everything and live as simple a life as I possibly can. I want to run away and do something new. But I know that running away won’t solve anything and it won’t make my feelings go away.

When I talked to Dustin about this feeling of wanting a simpler life, he agreed and said he had been feeling the same way. So we’ve decided that when we move this winter, we are going to sell the majority of our belongings and we are not going to have things like cable. We’re going to try living simply for a while and see where that takes us. Like the quote above states, I feel like shedding the life I thought I was going to have or that I was supposed to have and accepting the life I do have. I think making things simpler will help that process. (We are planning to keep the internet for school purposes, so I will still be able to write).

I don’t really know how to end this entry, nothing really seems fitting. I hope that these feelings are things that other people experience, and that I am not the only one. I don’t think I am……….

~EH

 

 

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