“The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy.”
-Jim Rohn

 

For many people, the day after Halloween signals the beginning of.. you guessed it.. the holiday season. This includes Thanksgiving and all the rest.  ( I won’t list all of the others because frankly, I don’t want offend anyone by leaving out a holiday). Christmas music has even already made its way onto the local radio stations. Stores are already planning big sales, and turkeys are busy planning their escape to avoid the chopping block on November 25th.

Normally, I would be full of anticipation and excitement. I love winter. I love snow. I love to eat a huge meal with my family and I love getting and giving presents.

However this year, I’d like to find a cave, build a fire and hibernate through the entire season. Literally, the thought of the holidays just makes me intensely sad. Everytime I think about it, I think about Jack and how this should be his first of everything. And it just plain sucks that we won’t get to make memories with him. There will be no first Christmas ornament. No first present to open. No picture with Santa.

On top of everything else, it was at Christmas that we found out we were having Jack. So that just makes everything all the sadder. For awhile, I thought I would be a trooper and go through the normal routine of decorating and what not. I thought I would try to put up the good front and smile through the pain. But you know what? To hell with that. We are grieving for what we are missing and we have a right to be sad about it.

Meanwhile, I am looking for suggestions from other baby lost families on how to make it through this difficult time, because I really don’t know what to do. I can’t think of a good plan like we did for our due date. So if you have any ideas, please comment. At this point, aside from building a snow man family for the three of us, I’ve got nothing.

For those of you who have never experienced a loss, please don’t take my sadness the wrong way during this season. If I don’t want to come to your party or I don’t seem interested in seeing your children’s pictures with Santa, it is not personal. It’s just too painful. Maybe next year things will be better, maybe the new year will bring us a year of joy instead of sadness.

We can only hope.

~EH

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