“Ever has it been that love knows not its depth until the hour of separation”
-Kahlil Gibran

 

Today has been a down day for me. Thanksgiving went relatively well I thought, I held things together and compared to Halloween, it was better I think for both Dustin and I. We both acknowledged to each other how different it would have been had Jack been there with us but it didn’t feel as bad as Halloween I think because it isn’t as much of a “kids” holiday to me. (And that’s just my perspective, a lot of folks may feel very differently about all of the holidays in general). Today though, once the Christmas commercials and music really began to run, I felt a sweeping despair come over my heart.

I realized that I should be out there trying to find deals on toys for my baby. I should be picking out his outfit to wear to Christmas dinner. I should be getting him a “Baby’s First Christmas” ornament. And my heart broke one more time, when I thought of this. There is no other way to describe it, it just simply broke even though I didn’t think it could be broken any more. I miss my baby. I miss him terribly and I want him back. That is my christmas wish, that is what I want, I want my son to live here on earth with me. While I am sure he makes a beautiful angel, wherever he is, I’d like him tucked into his warm little bed at home.  (So dear Santa, I need you to work me a miracle this year).

I am at a loss on how to deal with all of this. I know my family very much wants us to grieve together during this season, but so much of me wants to pull away and just hide. I want to wrap myself up around my pain and just hold onto it, because I’m afraid it’s as much as I can bear. I don’t mean to be selfish, or unkind in any way. I think it is just my way of making it through. I think I would really like to be alone Christmas Day, with Dustin, just doing things for Jack.

Today Dustin told me that his store manager intends for him to work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, both in evening shifts. We were at a little diner when he told me and I nearly burst into tears. I just couldn’t picture being without him those two days. Not only would I not have Jack, I wouldn’t have him with me.  He said he would talk to his manager, and try to explain but I don’t have high hopes of it working out. That’s the way retail goes, unless you’re the boss, you’re basically screwed.

We got presents for people this year, we’re actually almost done shopping but to be honest, I hope I don’t get anything in return. I just don’t want anything, I don’t feel like I need anything except for Jack. (I did ask Dustin for sweat pants and a new hoodie because he kept bugging me about it but that’s all). I am more than willing to give gifts, and I am happy to be able to do so, but if you’re planning on getting me anything, don’t. Donate the money you would have spent to a charity in Jack’s name. That would be very meaningful. Or you can send us a letter to Jack that we will put in his stocking to be read Christmas morning (my mom made him his very own stocking pictured above).

Anyways, thanks for reading another broken heart song from an empty arms mommy. I hope your holiday season is off to a better start than mine.

~EH

 

 

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