Courage is not the absence of fear but the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all. For now you are traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be.” -Meg Cabot

Every day, is sort of like walking on a fence, or sitting on a teeter totter as you wait to come back down to earth. Being pregnant this time around is a completely different experience than with Jack. It is a whirlwind of emotions, both hormonal and from grief that you experience at every turn. Each morning I wake up praying that I won’t look down and find myself covered in blood (as my nightmares lead me to believe). I go to the bathroom and hope that all is well. I take my medicine, do my shots, and continue throughout the day hoping, just hoping, that I am doing everything right.

During moments of happiness, like at the doctor’s today when we got to see the baby in an ultrasound you almost forget the fear. It’s gone for just a second, a blissful moment of pure joy. But then, your heart sinks and you think “oh no, did I get too happy just now? Did I just jinx everything by being happy?” and the paranoia sets back in. Have you ever heard the saying “I’m afraid to be happy because everytime I am, something bad always happens”? Well, for the past year, that has been sort of my motto. Negative as it is I’m sure, it just seemed to fit.

Then there is the weird pregnancy moments of talking to people who don’t know you that well about your baby. Today I made my nurses aide almost cry because she asked me if this was our first baby and I told her no. She said she remembered me from before and wondered what had happened. When I explained, she asked me to stop, she couldn’t handle our sad story.

At work, we had an event and one of our members asked me how my new baby was doing. Honestly, at first, I was confused. I thought somehow he knew about Tater-tot. Then it dawned on me that he didn’t know Jack had passed away, and so I was split for a moment. My response was something like “things didn’t work out the way we thought they would” and thankfully, by then he had lost interest in me.

I began to wonder today, where did I ever get the (forgive the expression) balls to try this again? Am I nuts? Are we out of our minds? To put our hearts back out there, after we’ve finally began to piece them back together, is such a huge step. Thankfully, I was reminded why we are trying again. I saw photos of my friend Melissa’s new baby and it reminded me that I would do anything, absolutely anything, to bring my baby home like they did. And we are not alone, there are many others in our support group expecting rainbow babies and so we have people to talk to which is really nice. It gives us courage and strength. And I remind myself daily that I am my parent’s rainbow baby. And that means a lot to me.

I guess the long and short of this post is that whatever trials or tribulations you have in your life, being brave, while scary can lead to the best things. Whether it be taking the leap and getting a new job, or moving to a new city, or simply just cutting your hair, whatever it is- it is a risk worth taking. Because I don’t want to look back at my life and wonder what if, I want to look back at my life and say “Look at what I did”.

~EH

 
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