It’s funny, last year when I had my birthday, I thought “wow, this will be my last birthday of freedom” because I fully expected that by this birthday, I would be busy raising a baby. I was nervous and afraid of the fact that by this time next year, I would be a mom. Then, as we celebrated my birthday yesterday by making memory boxes for families who have lost a baby, I realized just how much my life has changed. I guess there are many life altering experiences we all expect to go through at some time or another. Whether it be getting married, graduating high school or buying a house. But it’s the events that we don’t plan for, like losing a loved one that seem to have a meteoric impact. It’s like a crater on your soul and a scar that is always there, even as time passes and trees start to cover your landscape.

So my birthday this year was bittersweet, because the one thing I really wanted and that I had looked forward to the most, I couldn’t have. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy spending time with my family or the gifts from everyone, which were all very nice and greatly appreciated. It was just that I was keenly aware of how at every family event, I will have that moment of feeling a little empty and sad inside. I will always miss my special little guy and wonder what he would be doing if he was here right now. His impact on our lives continues to reveal itself as time passes and after each event. A lot of people have given me the glass half full view that “well you should be happy, you’re pregnant again” and while yes we are happy, being pregnant does not erase our sadness. No one can ever replace Jack, just like no one could ever replace Owen.

As we move into the spring, it will be hard to focus on Owen, because so much of the spring will remind me of my happiest moments being pregnant with Jack. I feel like  April was Jack’s month. His last full month of life inside of me, before my body betrayed us both. Then there is May, and well, let’s just say if I could skip one month of the year, it would be May.

To wrap up this entry, I just want to thank everyone again for the birthday wishes, and I want to thank my Mom and Dad for making my birthday, especially this particular birthday, easier to bear with their love. I want to thank my hubby, who loves me everyday and helps me to stay positive when I get really scared. I don’t know if I would have made it to 27 without you guys.

~EH

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