So it’s almost April, and that means it’s also almost May. I can’t believe it really, that it’s already almost time to pass that milestone of milestones. The big one. The one our grief counselor forwarned us about. She said ” you will re-live everything that day, you will remember how you felt and go through those emotions over and over again. It’s part of processing what has happened”. I’m not sure if I will have the energy to re-live it, but I suppose you don’t really get a choice when it comes to these kinds of things. It’s not like we haven’t had many times throughout the year already when we’ve looked back on everything. The part I am struggling with now, I guess before I struggle with the emotional side of things, is what to do that day. Jack’s first birthday will fall on Mother’s Day this year. It will also *hopefully* be the week we reach Owen’s viability point and I will also still be on bedrest. I want to do something that would really honor him and be for him. But nothing seems right or like it’s enough. I started Jack’s Day in an effort to donate memory boxes on his birthday. Little did I know how that project would grow and that we’d already be donating boxes. Then I thought about donating NICU care packages to the hospital where Jack was born that day. But I almost get a panic attack when I think about having to be in that hospital on that particular day. Not to mention I am not really mobile anyways, so I still have to figure out how I am going to do anything at all.

For Jack’s due date, we did a balloon release and got memorial tattoos. We also went to dinner with our family that night in honor of him. I really liked how that day turned out. As hard as it was, it felt appropriate.  But his birthday feels different. I think because it is combined with Mother’s Day, and it should be the first Mother’s Day I’d get to have with him in my arms. He was in the NICU the whole time he was alive and I never got to hold him while he was alive. I so wish I could have just once. And I think this mother’s day will be hard knowing that I will never get a card from him saying “I love you”. And I will never get to give him a cake for his birthday and watch him make a mess. We won’t get to watch him play in a pile of balloons. There will be no gifts to be opened….

Part of me wants to approach the day like I did Christmas. Locked in my bedroom with the window curtains drawn shut. Trying to ignore the festivities around us. But I know I can’t. I won’t be able to escape Mother’s Day and I certainly can’t ignore that it’s Jack’s birthday. It isn’t fair to him. He deserves something nice.

Sorry for the rambling post today, I guess I don’t really know where I am going with it. I think I just needed to clear my head so some good ideas can come to me for that day. If you have any suggestions about things we can do with my limited mobility, I would be open to them. Frankly, I would appreciate it.

Thanks for reading as always.

~EH

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