Not having a lot of free time to write these days, I think has been hard on me. So much of my emotional well-being revolves around being able to put down my emotions into written words. So today, while Owen sleeps, I’m taking advantage of the time.

I feel like my mind is slipping. Maybe its being tired from work and the baby, or maybe its stress because we need to move again soon and we’re paying so many medical bills. But I genuinely feel like I can’t get footing and find the solid ground. Just when I think I have a handle on one thing, something else happens and I’m lost again. It seems like the very best part of my life right now is Owen. And I am very thankful we have him. Other things though don’t seem to be going as well I had hoped. I am trying so hard to do everything and to not disappoint anyone.

I suppose my heart is mending as time has gone by since Jack passed, but it hurts still all the same. With everything going on, there are still constant reminders of him being gone. From the stupid Fiber One commercial with “Jack’s cereal” to today when everyone talked about last years event and how awful the weather was. Last year when my work held this event, it was the day Jack was born. I am very aware of what the weather was like that day. I didn’t need to hear it over and over and over again.

Then there are other things, more personal things going on that I won’t write about here. But needless to say, I feel like the biggest tool in the world and I am ashamed of myself. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel lost.

All I want is to make my family and friends happy. To be there for those in need and to help those who ask. Why I am struggling to do this, when it seems so simple, is beyond me.

Meanwhile, I keep having recurring fear of having someone else I love die. I don’t know why, maybe because we have Owen at home, but I am so ultra paranoid now that its bordering on not good. I honestly think that if I have to bury one more family member I’m going to go stark raving mad. And that I won’t recover from it. There is only so much a person can handle. I also fear that I will die, leaving the ones I love without support and without my love. This thought truly breaks my heart.

Last but not least is my relationship with Jack. I feel like I don’t get to do things for him anymore without being pulled away. For example, I was planning to drop boxes off to Hutzel last week. The same day I had a pediatric apt for Owen. I had no idea they were going to give Owen shots and that he was going to feel ill from them. What kind of mom am I that I don’t know when my own kid is going to be vaccinated? Lord help me, I don’t know why I planned to deliver anything that weekend. I suppose its a live and learn sort of thing but still, I felt awful that I didn’t get to do the delivery. It’s during those acts of giving that I can reconnect a little bit with him. I don’t know if other baby lost mommas feel this way, but lately, I feel like I can’t touch Jack’s being anymore. What a terrible feeling that is.

Well thanks for joining me in my pity party. I appreciate your reading and willingness to listen to my rambling emotional post. I just needed to get it out. Maybe now, I will feel better.

~EH

 

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