“A strange thing is memory, and hope; one looks backward, and the
other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow. Memory is history
recorded in our brain, memory is a painter, it paints pictures of the past and
of the day”- Grandma Moses
I was looking at pictures today of Owen because we got a free book from Shutterfly after redeeming our diaper points. Anyways, it came out great and I’m really glad I finally ordered it. But it got me to thinking of course, about Jack. And so I decided to look at all of his photos. When I did, I came to the realization that, the images we have of him will never change. We will never see him evolve into anything but the tiny, beautiful being that he was on this earth. And while I am still humbled by the fact that we got to be with him while he was alive and he was so small, I am still sad that we don’t have more to remember him by. I know the NICU he was in prohibited picture-taking, due to the flash bothering babies. But why I didn’t think to take pictures with him after he died, I don’t know. Probably because we were in shock and probably because everyone else was too. It’s one of the many things I go back to, wishing I could change. I wish I could have stopped my water from breaking and I wish I would have known to take more pictures. At least we have what we have and, that’s more than many people get. This is what we call ninja grief. When the sadness unexpectedly rushes back into your heart and you feel heavy with grief.