My it’s been a long time since I have sat down to write. Far, far too long. Most of the time, by this time of night, I’m so exhausted I’m struggling to stay awake to see Dustin when he comes home from work. I wait every day for the hour I get to spend with my husband at night. Just getting to talk to him for more than a quick minute, like we do in the afternoon when he leaves and I take over baby care. It’s our night-time chats that lead to decisions and balance in our life. I treasure them.

This night has me up for a variety of reasons. The wide array of medication I’m taking for my Bronchitis isn’t helping. Owen has a cold and has been up and down this evening with a stuffy nose, and of course, it’s the 8th day of April. Which means that the next 8th day to come will be May 8th. Jack’s Day. All legitimate reasons to be sitting at your laptop instead of trying to fold the 80th load of laundry to be done this week.

Today was also Owen’s first Easter and it was by all accounts very nice. He liked pulling things out of his baskets from us and the grandparents on both sides. And just like any typical child, the toys were a hit, the clothes- not so much.

Things have been very busy for us. Owning a house is a lot of responsibility and it’s been interesting so far. It is fun too, and we keep reminding ourselves that we have 3o years to do everything we want to accomplish with this place. That’s a new feeling for us, since we’ve spent the past three years living like gypsies, moving from place to place. It’s hard to actually lay down roots when you keep thinking, we’re just going to have to leave anyways, but actually we don’t! I grapple with this a lot.

Meanwhile, it is our busy season at work. I look at Earth Day as any environmentalists “super bowl” because you get asked to speak, present and attend more things than humanly possible during this two-week window of April around Earth Day itself. It’s pretty crazy sometimes. Then our students big water quality monitoring day is the first week of May too, so we’re out in the field a lot. Which is really nice, to be able to work outside in the spring time. I have to say though it’s been hard finding a balance between motherhood and working. If I could do it, I would stay home I think to raise Owen, to bring him more continuity. But alas that isn’t in the cards for our little family just now and so striving for balance continues. I don’t argue to whole what’s harder, staying at home or working because I think of them both as being challenging in their own ways. And I’m sure that if I wasn’t working, I’d miss it too.

For Dustin, he just got transferred to a new CVS from the store he’s been at now for almost three years. This is a big switch for him that just started, so we’re both hoping that it’s a positive for him. Today was his first day there, so I can’t really report on how it’s been going. Keep your fingers crossed.

And for Jack, well we’re gearing up for a really big donation that our entire support group is helping us put together. We’re donating 60 boxes to Hutzel Hospital right before Jack’s second birthday. It’s an emotional thing that I can’t really adequately describe. This will bring us close to donating almost 200 boxes since August 2010. I’d like to be proud of that, but it’s so incredibly painful to think of that many dead babies. It’s hard. I’m glad we are helping and that the project can bring peace to people. Not only those who get the boxes but to the members of our SHARE group who help to put them together, donate items and make deliveries. Jack’s Day has healed so many and given so much to people who have suffered the worst kind of pain. I try to focus on that.

Sometimes, I think that doing this project and other things like the March of Dimes, March for Babies walk are my ways of distracting myself from the real pain that comes from Jack dying. Other times, I feel like they bring me healing. I guess it depends on my mood and disposition. Either way, the pain lingers and I hold Owen at times and just wish that Jack could be there to play with his little brother. To enjoy all the silly things he does and to make him smile with us. The emptiness in my heart that was once gaping, is partly filled, but not entirely. Jack will always be missing. And we will always miss Jack.

I guess that’s it for tonight. It was nice to be able to give a little update on things. I’m sorry I don’t find the time to do this more often these days. I won’t promise to try to keep up on it, but know that I’ll be back again.

~EH

 

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